eGuide Archives: Educator Abuse

What do I do if I suspect my child has been molested?

If you suspect your child has been molested (see warning signs/symptoms of abuse at  eGuide vol1_iss28), one expert suggests that you ask the child directly.  Children rarely tell their secret unless you ask the question directly.  And they rarely make up lies indicating that they’ve been attacked if no molestation has occurred.

Avoid hysteria.  The amount of information your child tells you will probably be determined by how reasonable and unruffled you appear to be.  He or she desperately needs to be able to trust you and your maturity at this critical time.  An abuser likely would have told your child that it would upset you and wouldn’t love the child any more if you knew what he or she had done.

Reassure your child of your continued, unconditional love.  Tell your child that you will not punish him or her because “it is not you who did anything wrong, and you are not in trouble.”

Remember, even if your child has been thoughtless, careless or even willfully disobedient to instructions designed to protect him or her; even if he or she seems to have consented willingly to being abused, nevertheless, your child is a victim, not a criminal.  Don’t even think, “why didn’t you…”, or “I wish you...” or “I told you…”  Don’t make the abuser right about your reaction.

Again, it is important to reassure your child of your love and approval.  Hold out hope for a happier time soon.

Emphasize to your child that it is the offender who did something wrong; therefore, it is not your child’s fault–even if he or she cooperated or derived any sort of pleasure from the experience.

Call the police or rape crisis center immediately.  Physical evidence may be less conclusive with the passage of time.

• In cases of incest, call your state’s child protective agency and local law enforcement agencies without delay.  Failure to report a known crime may make you an accomplice.
• Don’t confront the offender, especially in your child’s presence; the stress may be too great.  It’s a job for the authorities.
• Take your child for a complete physical examination (begin by calling your child’s pediatrician).  It will reassure him or her that there’s no permanent physical damage, and may verify important physical evidence.
• Allow your child to talk about his or her experience at a pace that is natural for that child.  Silencing him will not help him forget.  Forcing it will not cure her.
• Get competent counseling, even if only for a short time.

Reminder of the week:
 The best way to deal with child sexual abuse is still prevention.  Most predators know their victims.  If your child is ever reluctant to spend time with a particular adult, especially one who you believe has always been "so nice," trust the child’s instincts.  Pay particular attention if an older child seems protective of a younger sibling around a particular person.